The Neurosis of Dogs

My dog is bat-shit crazy.  Adorable.  Sweet. Loving. Cuddly.  And, neurotic as hell.


I’m not going to tell you about intermittent “I’m-Afraid-of-Changing-Floor-Surface” freak outs.  Or the “I-Can’t-Go-Down-the-Hallway-with-that-Paper-Scrap-in-the-Way” tales.

No…I’m here to tell you all the non-dogfood items my beloved 5-year-old chocolate lab has consumed.  Ready for it?

  • Coyote Poop
  • Leather wallet
  • Our friend Brooke’s glasses
  • Deer poop
  • Aluminum foil
  • Dryer lint
  • Aluminum pan(s)
  • About 200 Omega 3-fish oil capsules (pee ewww!)
  • Cat poop
  • Parts of an unknown kind of bird
  • Apples
  • Horse poop
  • $80 cash. Retrieved & then returned to the feds for a refund. (Seriously! You can do this!  The local bank I tried to exchange it with told me so!)
  • Dog poop (hers & others)
  • Vomit.  (Hers. The babylady’s.  Other dog’s)
  • Entire heads of broccoli
  • Stalks of kale
  • So many cherries she pooped straight pits
  • A beanie baby (pooped pure pellets buckshot style)
  • Kitchen sponge (multiple)
  • A packet of snap pea seeds
  • A bag of sunflower seeds (& the bag)
  • Boxes of crackers (& the box, of course)
  • Endless tissues
  • Human poop. Don’t ask.
  • So many, many stuffed animals
  • A hat
  • Paper plates
  • Diapers (cloth & disposable)
  • Balls
  • Chew toys
  • Plastic utensils
  • Bark
  • “Indestructible” dog bones
  • Parts of towels
  • Pieces of blankets
  • Plastic bags
  • Paper- so much paper
  • 2 pounds of wrapped & hidden Frango chocolate mints.

And lastly, and certainly the most expensive,  The Grass Ball.

Yes, she ate enough grass that she nearly died and had to have a bowling ball size ball of compacted grass removed from her belly.  They say when they touched her stomach during surgery it stayed indented  as if it were play-doh.  She is legendary at the 24 hr vet.  Years later the vet told me he has pictures of it at home and still refers to her case in conferences and such.

Gotta love the labs…

Whacky, lovable lab

I'm gonna eat something watch out...

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23 Responses to The Neurosis of Dogs

  1. cookie monster says:

    That’s our girl!!! I was the one who picked up and cleaned up the 80 bucks!!!!

    • Jennifer Jabson says:

      I think the $80 pooping occured during our first visit to you and Meg in Seattle…hilarious. I’ll remember it ALWAYS. I was so impressed a) that money can hold up under such, conditions and b) that you two were so great about managing the situation. I knew then that this was a friendship destined for great things.

  2. ohbriggsy says:

    hilarious! love the list! i’m LOL-ing! dogs eat so much more interesting stuff than cats. how did zia get the $80 bucks? was it in the wallet? do you have zia working a part time job!?? is she sending out mailings in the basement–that’s why she’s always down there! the weirdest thing that aries loves is burnt human hair. i burned my hair once (don’t ask) and when I picked him up to cuddle (in a cool way) him, he went crazy trying to eat my burned hair!

    • Briggs-Zia can find anything you don’t want her to have anywhere. Including cash. The crazy thing is she “cheeks” stuff. If she knows you have caught her eating something she will pocket it in her cheek and NO amount of finger sweeping will find it. The second you slightly look away….CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.
      Burnt hair? A story for the shed maybe. =)

  3. Beth says:

    This is why I have cats…though I did watch my fatty slurp up a cheese wrapper. It was a proud moment.

  4. aastricker says:

    Is feeding peas and sunflowers to your dog an efficient seed starting medium?
    My friend’s dog recently ate three bags of dark chocolate chips. Needless to say that resuleted in a trip to the vet on a Sunday evening for emergency vomit inducing and stomach pumping.
    My lab doesn’t eat everything, but he has eaten crayons and “rescued” a turd that one of the kids didn’t flush. I wish he would have eaten it; he dropped it on the floor instead. 😦

  5. Lauren says:

    That’s a hilarious story! I like your writing style. Reading down the list I was waiting for the underpants. My Weimaraner was crazy about underoos. My cat just eats plastic, unwraps presents to get to the tape, chews on my homework and consumes any plant or flower bouquet brought into the house. So far no vet bills, just assorted unmentionable grossness.

    • No undies yet….just the diapers =) Pets are so funny! And we are about to add chickens to the mix. If that doesn’t send my lab over the edge I don’t know what will!

  6. di says:

    Oh my… this makes me feel so much better about my everything-in-sight eating puppy… he has a particular favorite…Ruby’s socks and underwear… yesterday he tore open and ate a bag of potting soil… he weighs 10 lbs soaking wet and ate much of the soil and the bag. weird… Rock on, Zia!

  7. Travel Mommy says:

    Remember when Fritz ate most of 2 dozen chocolate cupcakes and we found cupcake wrappers all over the house??? I will never forget the expression on his face – it was definitely, “I can’t believe that I ate the whole thing…..” he was miserable!

  8. cookie monster says:

    Add one homemade napkin to the list….she vomited it up the other day. Thank goodness….that was a bowel obstruction waiting to happen.

  9. Pingback: The Neurosis of Dogs, Part II | Grow & Resist

  10. Janet says:

    I wish I had known about labs before I rescued one a couple of months ago. His name is Ranger but he also answers to Stupid. Bat-shit crazy just about sums it up. My list includes endless shoes, my Coach purse (ok, that one hurt), my cell phone (I got an I-Phone because of that one – good boy!), ear buds, a couch, the cushion from another couch, everything we put in the recycling bin, fast food wrappers, wallets, baskets, books, magazines, a travel pack of tissues, innumerable paper towels, and one corner of a beautiful tool chest (used as a coffee table) that my beloved grandfather received upon his retirement. Irreplaceable and priceless, damn it! Oh, electronic devices of all kinds, water bottles, oh, yes, the vomit, all of my dogs eat that. Nasty! Um, I think his greatest score was an anti-bark collar we had put on him. (I know they are cruel but my neighbors are going to press charges if he doesn’t stop and our county is particularly anti-dog). He not only took it off but he chewed it to pieces and destroyed it. Thank goodness he didn’t eat the battery. So many other things. He has every indestructible dog toy Petsmart sells, but he has a teeny little problem with chewing. Lol. AAAAGGGGHHHHHH! Believe me when I tell you I feel your pain!

  11. Janet- they are nuts aren’t they? Sweet, but cuckoo! Ate the anti-bark collar! Wow! Good luck!!

  12. Janet says:

    Update. Ranger managed to kill off the much hated PediPaws while we were out of town for the holiday. Maybe he’s not as dumb as I thought. LMAO!

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  14. Clairebabbles says:

    Cuttest submissive dog I ever met who tries to dominate my lovable submissive dog sophie!

  15. Pingback: 12 Days of Xmas in ’12! Day Six! « oh, briggsy…

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  17. Anonymous says:

    “The Neurosis of Dogs | Grow & Resist” in fact makes me
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    Thanks for the post -Jada

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