How the hell does a person fully “show up?” Some days I feel like I have an endless supply of topics to write about. Ideas, thoughts, concerns, recipes, opinions or dreams. And then I sit to write. And nothing. What I start to write falls flat. Or I try to explain it to someone else. No words seem to adequately convey what was on my mind. I hardly recognize it when I hear myself talk about it. I usually mumble something and move along. Or stop typing.
It isn’t new….been doing it my whole life. Having difficulty “showing up” as a whole person that allows the full range of her emotions, thoughts and ideas is pretty much present in all my interactions with the world. I have no idea how to talk about myself or my ideas to others in a manner that feels authentic to me. There are exceptions and situations to be sure, but generally I feel as though I fall flat.
So people ask about my “grow” and “resist” tattoos. And I mumble. Generally it is asked by my patients or coworkers and my answer is something along the lines of “oh, it is complicated, but basically growing food and love and resisting everything” and I leave it at that. Stark. Skeletal. Unsatisfying.
This is true for me when I talk about any passion or interest of mine that is personal. I have a bad habit of shutting down and closing off the areas of me that are the most vulnerable.